Ridiculous Results
Tavoris Cloud vs. Fulgencio Zuniga, Light heavyweight - 12/17 Miami, FL
Cloud retained the IBF title by nearly shutting out Fulgencio. Nobody cares.
Steve Forbes vs. Roberto Valenzuela, Welterweight - 12/17 Hammond, IN
Stevie "Not that Forbes" Forbes knocked out aging Valenzuela to regain his notoriety as a man who can beat any 55 and 55 fighter. His new fight name: 2pound. I don't know if that is a drug reference or the amount of weight he has to lose before every fight.
Hopkins vs. Pascal, Light Heavyweight - 12/18 Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
No article would be complete without mentioning the Hopkins/Pascal wrestling match. Pascal knocked down the geriatric Hopkins in the 1st and again in the 3rd. Of course, Hopkins couldn't remember the knockdowns and after seeing the fight from his Closed Caption enabled television, believed he actually won the fight. Hopkins lost by majority decision as one judge was a few months older than him.
Hopkins made a good argument stating, "he couldn't knock out a 45 year old..." (paraphrased). Referring to his loss against Roy Jones Jr. in 1993, he went on to say, "give me 17 years and I'll get my revenge against Pascal if he's man enough to grant me the rematch."
I'm praying that this rematch will never take place.
Since there are no fights (worth mentioning) this week, here are the dumbest rematches that I can remember:
5. Roy Jones Jr. vs Bernard Hopkins (1993-2010, 17 years)
It took 17 years and 15 pounds for Bernard Hopkins to finally get his revenge. After 3 knockout losses and diminished hand, body and thinking speed, Jones Jr finally succumbed to the overwhelming holding technique of the master gimp mask wearing wonder that is Bernard Hopkins.
4. Oscar De La Hoya vs. Julio Cesar Chavez (1996-1998, 2 years 3 months)
For those of us that wanted to see Chavez slap the smile off the Golden Boys' face, we were disappointed to see Chavez begin bleeding from every pore of his face from the start of their first fight. Chavez, while only 34 years old (78 years old in dog/boxing years), blamed a head butt for the cuts. His aging eyes couldn't see the blinding hand speed that caused his face bleeding. Two years later and DeLaHoya was again facing criticism that he hadn't really beat the former Mexican star. We all knew better and what remained was the shell of a man fighting the savior of boxing in his prime.
3. Evander Holyfield vs. John Ruiz (2000-2001, 1 year)
If the first fight wasn't boring enough, some genius found a way to bilk the boxing public out of $50 by putting on yet another debacle. Evander threw 12 good punches the entire first fight and upped the ante in the second fight throwing 13.5 good punches, one of which he landed against himself. To make matters worse, they fought a third time...and people wonder why boxing is straddling a grave while it's man parts have been scuffed against a big pile of dirt.
2. Lennox Lewis vs.Evander Holyfield (1999-1999, 8 months of pure boredom)
Before losing to John Ruiz, fans prayed to the boxing gods for the return of the giant killer that beat Mike Tyson not once but twice. Unfortunately, the gods had purchased a new shiny double wide in 1999 which left us all watching a split decision in the first fight and a bad decision in the second fight. Judge Jerry Roth actually admitted that he fell asleep sometime during the 4th round of their second fight and just copied judge Chuck Giampa's scorecard. It's no wonder that these dumb fights prompted Mike Tyson to want to eat Lennox Lewis' children. It's a good thing Holyfield didn't win as Tyson would have to consider a 7 course meal.
1. Muhammad Ali vs. Sonny Liston (1964-1965, 15 months)
This was the most anticipated match in the history of boxing. Would the big bear finally exact revenge against the mouthy kid from Kentucky? No. The crowd of nearly 3,000 (yes, 3,000) saw the St. Louis native dust off a spot in the blue corner so he could lay down and pose for one of the most memorable photos in the history of the sport. This was not only disappointing but dumb. Replays of the fight show Liston wandering to the ring like a frightened moose. Crazy people are scary. That's a known fact. So I understand that Sonny must have been afraid of losing his soul due to a pre-fight vodoo KFC dance. Rather than rub Ben Gay on his gloves as he did in the first match, he simply executed a flawless back dive into the canvas. Greg Louganis would've been proud.
There you have it. Five fights that I wish I could erase from my memory bank. I may need that space back someday as I plan on transporting data illegally like Johnny Mnemonic before he was released from the Matrix.
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